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THE VAGINA ASS 
OF LUCIFER NIGGERBASTARD 
By Shawn Wunjo 



This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are 
the product of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously, and any 
resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, 
events, locales, etc. is entirely coincidental. 

THE VAGINA ASS 

OF LUCIFER NIGGERBASTARD 

ISBN: pending 

Copyright © 2010 by SHAWN WUNJO* 
First Edition: 2010, <expunged> 
All Rights Reserved. 

No part of this book may be reproduced, scanned, or distributed, in whole 
or in part, in any printed or electronic form without permission. Please do 
not participate in or encourage piracy of copyrighted materials in violation 
of the author's rights. Purchase only authorized editions. 

For information address: 
<expunged> 

PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA 
10 987654321 

If you purchased this book without a cover, you should be aware that this 
book is stolen property. It was reported as "unsold and destroyed" to the 
publisher, and neither the author or the publisher has received any 
payment for this "Stripped Book" 



..2- 



For all my favorite fuckers 
And all those who love classic literature. 



„ 4 -- 



CHAPTER 1: 

GAY DICKS. . . pg 6. 
CHAPTER 2: 

CHEESE FUCKING SANDWICHES. . . pg 11. 
CHAPTER 3: 

SHIT HAPPENS LIKE TONS. . . pg 18. 
CHAPTER 4: 

GODS ARE FUCKING GAY. . . pg 22. 
CHAPTER 5: 

THE DEAD FUCKER IN THE DIRT. . . pg 28. 
CHAPTER 6: 

THE DYKE OF CARTHAGE. . . pg 33. 
CHAPTER 7: 

CUPID IS A FUCKASS. . . pg 37. 
CHAPTER 8: 

THINGS GET EVEN MORE FUCKED UP. . . pg 41. 
CHAPTER 9: 

BITCH GOES TOTALLY FUCKING EMO. . . pg 45. 
CHAPTER 10: 

THE PRIEST OF THE DILDO STAFF. . . pg 49. 
CHAPTER 11: 

AT LEAST HIS DAUGHTER IS FUCKABLE . pg 53 
CHAPTER 12: 

TURNUS SUCKS SHIT THROUGH A LITTLE 

TUBE FOR FUN. . . pg 57. 



-5- 



-6- 



CHAPTER 1: GAY DICKS 



"FUCK YOU AND YOUR GOAT-LOVING 
ANALSAUSAGE FUCK FACTORY!" Lucifer 
Niggerbastard screamed, giving the shape in the 
window a double-handed flip-off. Mr. Moneyballs 
could go fuck himself. 

"Fucking goats." Lucifer kicked a dented can off 
the sidewalk as he stomped away, ignoring the shit- 
brown images of grandmas fucking that smiled back 
at him from the label. "Fucking hate goats." Working 
at the analsausage fuck factory as a packing boy in the 
assfudge department had always been just a job, a job 
he hated, but a job nonetheless. 

But then Mr. Moneyballs had brought in the goats. 
Lucifer drew the line at goats. 

"Always shitting all over the place, fucking the 
baby-skinners in their nippled sphincters." He 
groaned. "Jesus Christ. Wetback niggers!" 



_7„ 



A passing sack of babyshit bounced past, aroma 
blossoming into the air as the piss-yellow sun caught 
its mottled face. "Hey Lucifer!" It said. "How's my 
favorite Niggerbastard today? You look like you've 
had the gayest day ever to be a day!" 

"It's been the gayest day in the history of gay 
days!" Lucifer threw up his hands, screamed at the 
blueballs sky. "Its been so gay, even dicks in asses and 
touching balls covered in chink-flip asslube couldn't 
match it for gayness!" 

"Wow!" Said the sack of babyshit. "That's pretty 
fucking gay!" 

"You have no fucking idea." Lucifer kicked more 
garbage, picked his nose and flicked a sticky glob of 
mucus the color of Christmas shit at the sack of 
babyshit. "Gay old Mr. Moneyballs decided to start 
laying people off and replacing them with goats 
shipped in illegally from shitting Nigeria." He shook 
his head. "Fucking wetback goats. I told him he was 
a fuckass for doing it, and the greedy old crotch 
fucker fired me for it!" 

"Well, the economy has been shit for everyone 



lately." The sack of babyshit burbled. "He probably 
had to cut costs to keep the factory open." 

"Fuck you." Lucifer elbowed the babyshit into 
traffic, waited for it to pick itself off the tires of a giant 
dick-shaped bus with an advert for Baby Jesus' brand 
baglecunt ass sandwiches plastered on the side. 

"Look, I'm sorry man. That was a fucked up thing 
to do." 

"No worries." Said the sack of babyshit. "I had it 
coming." 

"No shit." Said the bus driver, then waved. "You 
fucks be careful, okay! Playing grab ass in the street 
with a sack of babyshit is about the most dangerous 
fucking thing any retarded gimp brained cuntblast 
could do." 

"Ah, go fuck yourself up a wall, faggot dick." 
Lucifer kicked more garbage. "Fuck this shit. I'm 
going home and eat some fucking cheese 
sandwiches." He looked at the sack of babyshit. "You 
coming?" 

"Only when I'm fucking." The babyshit grinned. 



„9„ 



"Yeah, sure. Lets go eat some fucking cheese 
sandwiches." 



--10- 



CHAPTER 2: CHEESE FUCKING SANDWICHES 



"Oh my fucking god damn shit baby Jesus I love 
cheese fucking sandwiches." Lucifer Niggerbastard 
said as he watched a football player shove a pencil up 
his ass. The announcer for the Fucking Asshole Gay 
network moaned the voiceover, screaming about 
fucking rabid geese with a stick and putting his nose 
in a shemale's penishole. The sack of babyshit pressed 
itself against the remote, smeared greasy crap onto 
the buttons until the channel changed. A giant dick 
filled the screen, and then there was a toothless 
crackwhore yammering about how loose her stinky 
pussy was and how much like a honkey's asscrack it 
smelled. The sack of babyshit changed the channel 
again and Lucifer threw his sandwich at the T.V. 

"Fuck this shit." Niggerbastard said. "I need some 
fucking hard baby tampon milk." 

"Ooh! Get me a fucking glass of that shit too!" 
Rumbled the sack of babyshit. "I heard that shit is so 



--11- 



good for you it makes your nipples turn into dicks 
and baby uncles start fucking dropping out through 
your nose and shitting in your bellybutton!" 

"Fuck you, get your own glass you stupid 
zipperhead." Lucifer said. "And change the fucking 
channel. I want to see some fucking disabled 
grandmothers falling into meatgrinders or some shit." 

"That shit's not on until later." The sack burbled 
back. "Right now the best thing on is hairy Swedish 
midgets fucking mutilated hamsters and baby dicks 
with clown-shaped anal beads." 

"That's fucking boring." Lucifer pulled the shit 
brown carton of hard baby tampon milk out the 
rotting corpse green fridge and dumped it into an ass- 
shaped glass. "Fuck that shit. Stupid fucking useless 
TV." 

"In another fifteen minutes that fucking penis- 
beaner cooking show where they chop up dead babies 
with cancerous hamster cunts will be on." 

"My balls are full. I can't wait fucking fifteen 
minutes." Niggerbastard said. "Fuck this. Lets go find 
something else to do." 



-12- 



"Like what?" The sack of shit burbled. 



"Like fucking beating goats and shit-lobbing 
nigindians with ass bats and fucktarded dick hats, I 
don't know." Lucifer shook his head. "Oh my fucking 
god I hate my stupid life. So fucking pointless, useless 
and boring." 

"No it's not." 

Both Lucifer Niggerbastard and the burbling sack 
of babyshit spun around to see where the voice had 
come from. Dressed in shit-stained spandex 
pantyhose that smelled of smegma and bulged 
around a dick the size of a small car, a man with 
elephant-sized tits and cum-dripping tentacles 
stepped into the house, picked up the ass shaped 
glass and drank the hard baby tampon milk in one 
gulp. Belching, he shifted, did a jig and Yodeled: "Hi 
fuckers!" 

"Hey! That was my milk, you stupid fucking 
asshole!" Lucifer shouted. "Who in the fucking shit- 
eating anal hells do you think you are?" 

"In lands way cooler than this stupid shithole, they 
call me Griswalda, the magical Ass Fairy from the 



-13- 



shitty side of the foreskin rainbow." He spat, groaning 
in a whistling baritone. 

"An Ass Fairy?" Lucifer's eyes lit up. "No way! 
Like in Cinderella and the eighteen shit-eating 
midgets in furry costumes?" 

"The very same." Griswalda squatted down, 
scratched his crotch. 

"Well what the fuck are you doing here?" The sack 
of shit burbled. 

"Setting you stupid fucks right." He pulled out a 
shotgun. "This is my fucking magic wand. Do you 
think your lives are boring, fuckers?" 

"Shit yeah!" Lucifer spat. "My life eats shit, I have 
no job, no hole to fuck, my best friend is a sack of 
babyshit, there's never anything good on T.V. and a 
fucking Ass Fairy just drank the last of my hard baby 
tampon milk out of my favorite ass shaped glass!" 

"Nothing lasts forever, fuckwit." The Ass Fairy 
chuckled. "Shit be rolling and changing like a gender 
confused dildo wheel." 



--14- 



"So roll it in a fucking sweet direction, bitch!" 
Lucifer laughed. "Fucking interesting times and shit." 

"Oh, I don't have to." Said the Ass Fairy. "Shit is 
already getting real fucking interesting." He looked at 
the sack of Babyshit. "Turn that fucking stupid 
dickbox to channel Gay." 

Burbling more babyshit onto the remote, the sack 
flicked the channel down to the gayest channel the TV 
had reception for, froze as a screaming bottle of anal 
lube filled the display. 

"Fucking niggers!" He breathed. Behind the anal 
lube, a starship shaped like the loose lips of a floppy 
cunt landed in the sand, gave birth to a thousand ugly 
scrotums with cum-shooting prolapse guns. "Holy 
shitting universe! We're being invaded by aliens!" 

"Indeed." Said the Ass Fairy. 

"What the fuck are we going to do?" Lucifer 
screamed. 

"You're gonna fucking run like a pussy bitch, 
Lucifer." The Ass Fairy grinned. "There's a fucking 
boat at the end of the block that has a magic dick in 



--15- 



the bottom of it. Jack off that magic dick, and you'll 
leave the city of Troy far behind." He handed Lucifer 
the shotgun. "Here, you'll need this. Don't let the 
scrotums catch you. They've come for you. They want 
the thing that makes you different." 

"My vagina-ass?" Lucifer gulped. "But why?" 

"Because it's the only vagina-ass in the world." The 
Ass Fairy said. "It's the fabled vagina-ass that is 
destined to give birth to an entire nation of fuckers 
that will take over Italy and have a big fucking empire 
and shit." 

"Holy fuck!" The sack of babyshit burbled. 
"Lucifer Niggerbastard's vagina-ass?" 

"That's right." The Ass Fairy grinned. "And he'll 
need you on his journey too, faithful sack of babyshit. 
You two can be a gay fucking fellowship or some 
shit." 

"Fuckin' sweet!" Lucifer shouted. "Thanks, Ass 
Fairy!" 

"Use my magic wand wisely!" Griswalda warned. 
"It can only work so many fucking times before it 



-16- 



blows all up and shit." 

"You got it, dicksplash." Lucifer said, and with 
that, he unloaded both barrels of the Ass Fairy's 
shotgun into Griswalda's face and pissed into the 
dead fucker's throat. 



-17- 



CHAPTER 3: SHIT HAPPENS LIKE TONS 



"Fuckers' never gonna get my fucking vagina-ass." 
Lucifer muttered as he kicked down the door of his 
house and ran out into the street. The magic boat with 
the giant magic dick was right where the Ass Fairy 
had said it would be- on the corner at the end of the 
block. Lucifer turned back to the doorway, yelled to 
the sack of babyshit. "Hey fucker! What in the holy 
shitting goddamn name of Christ riding a cross- 
shaped dildo are you doing? Lets move, fucktard!" 

"The Ass Fairy is fucking dead." The sack of 
babyshit burbled. "Someone has to teabag his fucking 
corpse." 

"Good point, but fucking hurry up." Lucifer 
scanned the horizon, held the shotgun closer. "Those 
fucking evil alien cunt scrotums could show up any 
minute and I will totally leave your burbling ass 
behind if you slow me the fuck down." 



--18- 



"Would I look like hot shit in these spandex 
pantyhose?" 

"Get your ass out here." Lucifer snarled. 

"Fine, fine! Don't be a cuntstab!" The sack of 
babyshit crossed to his side. "Hey, what about some 
fucking provisions and shit? We could grab some 
more fucking cheese sandwiches and eat that shit 
while we run away like castrated baby donkeys." 

"We don't have any fucking time for that kind of 
bullshit!" Lucifer shot back. "We'll find something to 
eat when we get fucking hungry again. I've got a 
fucking magic wand that shits buckshot. We can 
fucking kill some birds or hoboes or some shit and 
cook them." 

Right!" The sack of babyshit grinned! "Goddamn 
you're a genius! No wonder Jupiter blessed you with 
the fucking vagina-ass!" 

"Hell yeah, nigger!" Lucifer grinned. "Now get in 
the motherfucking boat and help me jack this magic 
dick off!" 

Running like little bitches, Lucifer and the sack of 



-19- 



babyshit quickly reached the magic boat and jumped 
in. Shaped like a giant ass, the boat seemed to sparkle 
with all the gay wonder of faggot vampires and 
teenage angsty movies. The magic dick in the center 
of the ass-shaped boat was already hard, and as the 
sack of shit wrapped his fist around it, the whole 
vessel shook like a toothless old retard on the edge of 
cumming buckets while watching midget porn. 
Lucifer grinned, put one foot up on the cunt-shaped 
stern and extended the Ass Fairy's wand into the sky. 

"All ahead go!" He shouted. "Full speed! Engage! 
Jack that motherfucking dick off!" 

The sack of shit burbled with joy. 

"So gay we all!" 

Climbing into the wild blue yonder on a fountain 
of piss and shit, the ass-shaped boat took to the sky, 
and as Lucifer looked down upon the land below like 
Aeneas surveying the kingdom he had left behind, 
another floppy cunt-shaped ship landed and 
shatnered out its load of prolapse-wielding scrotums. 
The sack of shit panicked, jacked the magic dick off 
harder, and before the cum-blasters could even throw 
their fuck grenades at the boat, the two comrades of 



--20- 



the fellowship of the vagina-ass were in the sky, 
blasting away at high speed. Lucifer glanced back, 
grinned again. 

"Fucking shit niggers!" He said, and the sack of 
babyshit burbled in agreement, but further up in the 
sky, like the distance of a giant fucking massive dick 
away, some other shit was going down. 



-21- 



CHAPTER 4: GODS ARE FUCKING GAY 



"Fuck you, you old bitch nigger fucking cunt 
slapper!" Juno screamed, slapping Jupiter so hard he 
farted and shot shit all across a passing chihuahua. 
"Fucking vagina-ass!" She stomped, growled, spat, 
puked a gallon of angry shit into the sky. "Lucifer 
Niggerbastard is going to give birth to a gay fucking 
empire that will destroy my fucking favorite shithole 
in about eighty billion years and you just let his gay 
ass get away!? Oh my fucking god!" 

"Well I can't just destroy the fucker!" Jupiter made 
a gesture. "His people are going to fucking worship 
me, make giant fucking golden statues of me with ten- 
mile long cocks that acolytes will smear withbabyshit 
every Sunday while screaming gay euphemisms!" He 
crossed his arms. "What do your gay fucking 
worthless people do? They worship you, that's what. 
They don't worship jack shit other than that." He 
made another gesture. "So I say fuck 'em. They've 
had their shot. Its time the world was run by 



--22- 



Niggerbastards. Plus, I'm totally fucking your sister 
Venus and she told me to save Lucifer and not to fuck 
him in the ass like I do my brother Neptune." 

"ARG!" Juno shouted. "You are so fucking 
grounded, Jupiter!" 

"You can't fucking ground me, cunt." Jupiter 
grinned. "I'm your fucking uncle -husband." 

"Fine!" She screamed. "Then no fucking anal sex 
for a millennium! How's that for fucking gayity, you 
faggot retard?" 

"I don't fucking care." Jupiter shrugged. "Your ass 
smells like a camel corpse that's been rotting in a pool 
of dick cheese and nigger vomit for ten years. Plus, 
your sister is tighter than you." 

"She is not!" Juno yelled. 

"Bitch please." Jupiter laughed. "When I fuck your 
rotten skanky ass, its fucking hotdog in a hallway 
time. That's what giving birth to a fucking world will 
do to you." 

"I didn't give birth to the fucking world you 



--23- 



moron. That was your gay fucking mother after you 
stuck your dick in her ear and crammed shit logs up 
her nose." 

"Right." He nodded. "So what's your excuse for 
being a loose, floppy cunt again?" 

"Hades just has a bigger dick than you." She shot 
back. "Plus its fucking chrome plated and he plays 
guitar with it so he's fucking hella skilled. And I'm 
fucking Charon and Eris and Hypnos and Alecto and 
Chronos and Cerberus and Priapus and Augustus 
and Octavian and Cassius and Petronius and Plautus 
and Claudius and Seneca and Germanicus and Nero 
and Tarquinus Superbus and Ceres and Persephone 
and Caliope and all of Modesto, California and 
Cybele and Mythras and Jesus and Castor and Pollox 
and Bacchus and Apollo and Diana and Mars and 
Vulcan and Hephaestus and Pluto and Quirius and 
Vesta and Abraham Lincoln and Odin and Concordia 
and Orcus and Shiva and Yahweh and your grandma 
and Vishnu and fifty dwarves and Krishna and 
Rasputin and Vladimir Lenin and Joseph Stalin and 
Cupid and Faunus and Sherlock Holmes and Cthulhu 
and Xenu and a giant dickless baby and Johnathon 
Swift and William Shakespeare and John Dry den and 
MacFlecknoe and Percy Shelley and a giant bottle of 



--24- 



puke and Cordelia and Goneril and Cicero and Pliny 
the Younger and Thomas Jefferson and Adolf Hitler 
and your baby's daddy and the Holy Ghost and the 
Archangel Gabriel and the tire fire and Gregor 
Mendel and the HMS Beagle and Captain Mac and 
Pliny the Elder and Frontinus and Francis Bacon and 
Cato and Horace and Cylea Von Mitternacht and 
Juvenal and several future terrorists and the 
Unibomber and the moon and Martial and Tacitus 
and Mozart and Beethoven and Proserpina and a 
rotting pizza and an entire elderly care facility and a 
pack of illegal aliens and Hecate and Horus and Isis 
and Flora and Mercury and Janus and Uranus and 
Hercules and fifteen professional wrestlers and Thor's 
Hammer and Tantalus and Turnus and Pallas and a 
thousand Nigerian refugees and Camilla and 
Hyppolyta and Oberon and Fachan and 
Pyrgopolinices and Trimalchio and Brutus and Rhea 
Silva and Romulus and even his brother Remus, 
though its more fun to sandwich the fuckers and dick 
them with a strap on while they moan into each- 
others' vomit-covered mouths." 

"Fuck me sideways to the moon and back on a 
Sunday!" Jupiter thundered, brushed the sweat from 
his brow. "Hey! Mercury! Get your fat faggot ass up 
here!" 



-25- 



In a puff of green shit and dick juice, Mercury 
jumped sideways through the clouds and came to a 
stop just short of where Jupiter sat. 

"How can I be of service, your high holy 
dicksnatch?" 

"Did you sleep with my niece-wife?" Jupiter 
demanded. Mercury grinned. 

"Begging your pardon, fuckwit, but who hasn't?" 

"Jesus Christ, you're a whore." Jupiter shook his 
head in frustration. "Still, this doesn't fucking change 
anything. I am still going to protect these faggots." He 
shifted, shatnered on the chihuahua again. "Any 
storms you raise, anything bad you throw their way 
comes out of your sex allowance." 

"My sex allowance!?" Juno screamed "You 
bastard! I need every one of those fucks to keep from 
killing fools with my fucking gat!" 

"What are you in your thirties again?" Jupiter shot 
back. "I swear, bitches in their thirties love cock more 
than life itself! They're like a fat faggot at a buffet 
yelling 'BRING MORE DICK!'" 



--26- 



"WOW, fuck you." Juno stomped out, rubbing her 
floppy cunt against Mercury's leg as she passed him. 
"I'm going to go hang out with people who 
understand me for a fucking change." 

"I wish my lawn was that fucking stupid and 
emo." Jupiter shared a grin with Mercury, jerked his 
thumb toward Juno's retreating ass. "It would 
probably cut itself!" 

"That's okay, your fuckwittedness." Mercury 
clicked his gay-winged heels. "That's what babies 
with sharp objects taped to their faces are for!" 



-27- 



CHAPTER 5: THE DEAD FUCKER IN THE DIRT 



When the magical Ass Fairy from the shitty side of 
the foreskin rainbow's faggotty ass-shaped boat shot 
up into the sky, it didn't stay there. It did some sweet 
flips and shit, a thirty-eighty, a fucking barrel roll and 
a dead baby Macdouble triple double bread gap sack 
tap. The magic dick in the bottom of the boat got so 
fucking hard that it started fucking everything it 
could touch and the sack of babyshit had a grand old 
fucking time with it. While the boat was flying, 
Lucifer Niggerbastard grew three mullets, one on his 
head, one on his cock and one in his ass. 

And then the ass-shaped boat broke the fucking 
light barrier and crashed into an ocean. Then it 
coasted along the waves and smashed all up on a 
beach full of pink and sparkly rocks. The ocean 
moaned like a faggot being railed in the ass with a 
giant spiky elephant dick as Lucifer Niggerbastard 
got to his feet and yanked the sack of babyshit out of 
the assboat wreckage. 



--28- 



"That was a fucking gay time!" Lucifer yelled. 
"Holy shit on a sausage!" 

"Jesus Christ!" The sack of babyshit burbled. "I 
thought I was a goner! I saw my whole gay life flash 
before my eyes and most of it was times when I 
danced naked with a lead-filled sausage on top of a 
taxicab in downtown tokyo with a gay gimp-armed 
cowboy shooting a lettuce gun at me!" 

"I remember those hot times!" Lucifer laughed. "I 
fucking slapped your babyshit ass so hard one of 
those times you flew off the taxi cab and shot liquid 
cunt crust onto fucking hella nips and gooks and 
chinks that were watching like gay little bitches!" 

"Hey!" Someone yelled. 

"Holy shit! What was that?" The sack of babyshit 
burbled fearfully. 

"It came from over here!" Lucifer pointed at a 
patch of dirt shaped like a dead guy. "What the 
fuck?" 

"Hey!" The patch of dirt yelled. "What the fuck!? 
This is my fucking beach! What the fuck are you god 



-29- 



damned kids doing on my shitting beach!?" But by 
the time he had finished, Lucifer and the sack of 
babyshithad reached the spot and stood staring down 
at it. A flower shaped like an ass with a dick in it that 
leaked a smell like donkey vomit had sprouted in the 
center of the patch and moved whenever the voice 
yelled: "FUCK YOU!!!" 

"What!?" Lucifer yelled. "Fuck you, flower!" And 
with that, he yanked the cockass flower out of the 
dirt. The instant he pulled the thing up by its roots, a 
fat geyser of chunky period-style cunt blood shot out 
of the hole where it had been and sprayed both 
Lucifer and the sack of babyshit until they were so 
drenched they could barely move. The sack of shit 
burbled again. 

"Oh my fucking god I love you. Best tasting 
explosion of cunt blood ever!" 

"Who the fuck are you fuckers?" One gay old glass 
eye rolled around in the hole, squinted at them. "Holy 
shit! Lucifer Niggerbastard!?" 

Lucifer squinted back, made a gay face. "That's my 
name. Don't fucking wear it out!" 



--30- 



"Holy shit on a new pair of socks!" The patch of 
dirt shaped like a dead guy yelled. "Oh my fucking 
god! Do you know what this means?" 

"No." Said Lucifer Niggerbastard. "What the fuck 
does it mean?" 

"It means the prophesy of the vagina-ass is close to 
being fulfilled! Welcome to beaner-land, 
Niggerbastard!" 

"Who the fuck are you?" The sack of babyshit 
burbled interrogatively. 

"Me?" The patch of dirt exclaimed happily "I am 
Lowrider Dewrag Dicksalsa, King of the Beaners!" 

"And what the fuck are you doing in the dirt?" 
Lucifer asked. 

"Well, I'm dead, obviously, you stupid fuckwit 
loser." The king laughed. "Listen, over the hills and 
through the woods but about five miles past 
grandma's house is the city of Carthage. My gay ass 
dyke ex-wife whom I love dearly lives there and rules 
the place like a super dyke. I want you to go there and 
fuck her silly, okay?" 



-31- 



"Sure thing, King!" Lucifer said, then he pulled out 
the Ass fairy's magic wand and shot the king of the 
Beaners in his gay face. 



--32- 



CHAPTER 6: THE DYKE OF CARTHAGE 



"FAGGOTS? IN MY VAGINA?" Yelled the queen. 

"It's more likely than you think, your 
fuckwittedness." Groveled the footman. 

"Off with their cocks!" She shouted. "I want all of 
their dicks on a fucking shit covered silver platter 
with frenchie fucking froggie frenchy sauce." 

"But ma'am!" Shouted one of the footmen, an 
especially gay-looking young man with pictures of 
clowns getting fucked in the ass on his sleeves. "These 
faggots come from the city of Troy! Our lookouts say 
they came in an ass-shaped boat that crashed on our 
shores just this morning!" He swallowed. "They could 
be the chosen faggots of Antioch! The fellowship of 
the Vagina- Ass! The entourage that is prophesied in 
the teachings of all those gay fuckers from ancient 
times!" 



--33- 



"Really!?" The queen tittered. "How many did our 
lookouts see?" 

"Just two, Ma'am!" Another footman piped up. 
Dogs and horses ate each others' shit in a unique 
floral design printed across his chest. "A man with 
three mullets and a burbling sack of babyshit." 

"It must be the prophesy!" The queen thundered. 
"Holy shit! Bring them to me!" 

"Wait a minute, bitch!" 

The queen whirled, found herself staring the 
goddess Juno in her floppy cunt face. 

"Listen here you stupid whore." Juno grabbed the 
queen by the front of her shit-purple dress. "Have you 
ever actually read the prophesy of the vagina-ass?" 
The queen shook her head quickly. "Lucifer 
Niggerbastard, keeper of the vagina-ass will give 
birth to a gay fucking nation of Niggerbastards who 
will come and destroy your shithole city in about 
eighty fucking billion years!" 

"They will!?" The queen sputtered. "Holy shit! Off 
with their heads! Off with their heads!" 



--34- 



"Now wait a second." Mercury appeared in a puff 
of dick cheese and green penis-shaped nickels that 
bounced all around the floor like gay jumping beans. 
"Juno! Your uncle-husband is going to be fucking 
pissed if you interrupt the gay prophesy like this!" 

"Jupiter can stuff it!" She shouted back. "I will not 
lose Carthage to the Niggerbastards, now or ever!" 

"If you look at the prophesy, Juno, Lucifer is 
destined to fall in love with the Dyke Queen of 
Carthage." He grinned conspiratorially. "Imagine: We 
enlist the help of that lazy fat fucker Cupid, have him 
bite Lucifer Niggerbastard on the ass with his gay 
love venom and have Neptune destroy all the boats in 
the whole goddamned harbor. Lucifer will have no 
choice but to fuck the Dyke Queen's brains out 
endlessly and give birth to a nation of Niggerbastards 
right here in Carthage! Imagine! Millions of 
Niggerbastards worshipping only you!" 

"Holy shit, you're right!" Juno dropped the queen. 
"Mercury! Fetch that fucker Cupid! Fetch Neptune! 
Lets do this shit!" 

And with a puff of something that smelled like 
shit-covered dicks fucking rotten eggs, both Juno and 



--35- 



Mercury disappeared, leaving the Dyke Queen 
reeling in her chambers. 

"So. . ." The gayest footman trilled. "Off with their 
heads?" 

"No, you fuckwit!" The queen slapped him in the 
face with her cock-shaped scepter. "Bring Lucifer 
Niggerbastard and his sack of burbling babyshit to 
me!" 



-36- 



CHAPTER 7: CUPID IS A FUCKASS 



"Use this to cover your faces so you'll look like a 
bunch of fucking retards when you enter Carthage." 
Grandma advised, handing Lucifer Niggerbastard 
and the sack of babyshit leprechaun shit colored 
knitted blankets as they left her house. "The people of 
Carthage are so fucking nice to retards, you wouldn't 
believe it. They'll feed you and fuck you in the ass 
and give you free nachos and pizza and shit." 

"I fucking love you, Grandma." Lucifer hugged 
her, smearing shit all over her face. "I'll never forget 
you." 

"How sweet." She smiled. "Now you boys be good 
little faggots for Grandma, okay?" 

"Yes Ma'am!" The sack of babyshit burbled. "We 
most definitely will!" 

And with that, they set off for Carthage, 



--37- 



leprechaun shit colored knitted blankets in hand. 
Along the way, they met a faggot who they shot, but 
it isn't important. When they got to the gates, they 
covered themselves in the leprechaun shit blankets 
and hobbled in like a bunch of gymped idiots. 

"NURR! HURR HEEHA DERP!" They shouted. 
"ME LIKE DICK!" and suddenly they were beset by 
a bunch of retard loving idiots who offered them 
cock-shaped cookies and dysentery pizza. But Lucifer 
had other plans, and as he waved the idiots away 
retardedly, he set his sights on the Dyke Queen of 
Carthage, who stood on top of her purple, dick- 
shaped tower, nestled in a chair built like fat cunt lips. 
The words of Lowrider Dewrag Dicksalsa, the King of 
the Beaners, came back to him. 

My gay ass dyke ex-wife whom I love dearly lives there 
and rules the -place like a super dyke. I want you to go there 
and fuck her silly, okay? 

"Wise words, my friend, but how?" Lucifer 
whispered. 

Then, as if on cue, the queen shifted in her cunt- 
chair and bent over, spraying the people of Carthage 
with a typhoon of ass juice that they danced in like 



--38- 



little faggots. Mesmerized by the stream of liquid dick 
pouring out of her prodigious rectum, Lucifer didn't 
even notice as the hunchbacked and bulbous-eyed 
f atass they call Cupid stumped up to him and bit him 
on the ass. By the time he felt the pain, the little 
fucker's venom had soaked into his blood and 
suddenly he was in love. He didn't care about any 
fucking thing- he just wanted to fuck the Dyke Queen 
of Carthage until her brain fell out her ass. 

"What the fuck is wrong with you, needledick?" 
The sack of babyshit burbled. "Hey! Hey fuck ass! 
Hey!" 

"Fuck off, cuntswallow." Lucifer said dreamily. "I 
want to fuck that bitch from here to the moon and 

back." 

"I have heard that a great hero has come to our 
lands by chance." The queen thundered from atop her 
dildo tower. "A man of great skill and prowess in the 
sack. A man with a cock fifty feet long and eighty feet 
wide who has fucked more whales to death than any 
faggot who ever lived. His name is Lucifer 
Niggerbastard, and he is the man from the prophesy 
of the Vagina ass that is spoken of in the teachings of 
those gay fuckers from ancient times." She smiled. 



-39- 



"Oh, how I wish he would come and fuck me until 
my brain fell out my ass!" 

"Holy shit! Here's my chance!" Lucifer threw off 
the knitted blanket and grinned. "Your highness! I am 
no gympy retard come to mooch your pizza and 
nachos while fucking your grandsons in the ass! I am 
Aeneas-I mean Lucifer Niggerbastard, and I am here 
to fuck you so hard your nipples will turn blue and 
fall off!" 

"OH LUCIFER!" The Dyke Queen dived off her 
dick tower and fell into his arms, kissing every inch of 
every one of his mullets. "I love you! Holy shit I love 
you!" 

"Is there a place where we can fuck?" He asked. 

"Yes! Oh god yes!" She cried. "There's a gay musty 
cave in the mountains we must go to. We can fuck 
there for hours!" 

"Sounds like a plan!" Lucifer Niggerbastard yelled, 
grinning. "Carthage fucking rocks!" 



--40- 



CHAPTER 8: THINGS GET EVEN MORE 



FUCKED UP 



"Hey, fuckwit!" Mercury kicked Lucifer 
Niggerbastard in the balls. "What the fuck are you 
doing? Did you forget the fucking prophesy?" 

"What fucking prophesy?" Lucifer bent the queen 
over and started plowing her ass like an angry cow 
again. "Go the fuck away you kinky freak. I'm trying 
to fuck the Beaner King's ex-wife." 

"Dude. You want Jupiter to stick his foot up your 
ass?" Mercury kicked him in the balls again. "You got 
places to be, other people's daughters to do in the ass 
and shit." 

"Fuck that." Lucifer bit the Dyke Queen's ear and 
came in her hair. "I'm in love, bitch. I'm never leaving 
fucking Carthage." 

"Oh right, I forgot about that little fucker Cupid." 



--41- 



He kicked Lucifer in the balls again. "There's only one 
cure for the venom." He stroked his chin. "I have to 
touch my ballsack to yours and sacrifice a ten foot 
turd to Priapus." 

"That sounds pretty gay." Lucifer mused. 

"I've done gayer." Mercury grinned, kicking him 
in the balls one last time. "Stay there. I'll do it while 
you're already bent over." 

"What?" Lucifer demanded, but before he could 
react, Mercury had moved so fast that the entire ritual 
was done and he had fucked Lucifer in the ass twelve 
times to boot. "Holy shit!" Suddenly the power that 
Cupid's venom had had over his brain fell away and 
he pulled his cock out of the Dyke Queen's ass. 
"Woah, Mercury, dude, you're fucking right. I've got 
to get the hell out of here." 

"There's one boat left at the harbor. Grab your sack 
of babyshit and some nachos and stuff and then sail to 
Cumay, home of the cunt-cave of wayward cum- 
sucking dick ribbons where the priest of the dildo 
staff reads the auspices in the liquid shit that a giant 
entombed forever in the stone by an Ass Wizard 
squirts through his enormous herpes-ridden 



--42- 



prolapse." 

"You got it, faggot!" Lucifer pulled his pants on 
and darted for the door. "Thanks for the kick in the 
balls, Mercury!" 

"Anytime, Niggerbastard!" The god tipped his gay 
hat to the master of the vagina ass and puffed out of 
existence with a wet explosion of ass mucus. 

"Wait, where are you going!?" The queen asked, 
following Lucifer as he dropped to the dirt and did a 
series of action rolls all the way to the gates of 
Carthage. "I love you! We fucked! You're supposed to 
marry me and be the new King of the Beaners!" 

"Fuck that!" Niggerbastard said. "Fucking doesn't 
mean marrying, bitch!" 

"But you fucked me so hard my brain fell out my 
ass about eight times!" The Dyke Queen yelled, 
pounding her fists against her tits. "Doesn't that mean 
something!?" 

"It means you're fucked if you have a gay baby 
now." He laughed. "Sorry, bitch!" 



--43- 



"I am totally going to kill myself if you don't stay, 
Lucifer!" She shouted. 

"Down the lane, not across the street, bitch!" He 
yelled back. 



„ 44 „ 



CHAPTER 9: BITCH GOES TOTALLY 



FUCKING EMO 



When Lucifer arrived in Carthage, the Queen was 
so fucking emo she ordered her footmen to gather up 
everything burnable in the city: nachos, pizza, 
furniture, small children, bibles, babies, copies of Mein 
Kamph that the high priest had been wacking off to, 
music made by dickless boybands, lumpy horses, the 
works. On top of the giant pile was a massive shit- 
stained mattress that had been freshly killed that 
morning, and as she sprawled out on top of it, she 
held her favorite razor-bladed dildo to her throat. 

"I'm going to fucking kill myself, Niggerbastard!" 
She warned. 

"Do it, bitch!" He shouted back, gathering up his 
sack of burbling babyshit and stuffing him full of 
nachos. "I don't fucking care." 

Screaming like a little bitch and kicking her heels 



--45- 



against the shit-stained mattress, the queen took the 
razor-bladed dildo and mutilated herself with it, 
cutting open every vein in her body and using her last 
breath to order her footmen to burn the giant gay pile 
of crap they'd put her mattress on top of. The razor- 
bladed dildo got so fucking scared when it fell from 
her hands that it yelled "Holy shit! Holy fuck! Ahhh!" 
and ran all the way to the top of the stack again on its 
gay little ballsack feet. Seeing this, the sack of babyshit 
vomited all over the place and pointed one shitty fist 
at the dildo. 

"Holy shit!" He yelled. "Hey, fucker! They're 
gonna burn your ass if you stay up there!" The dildo 
stared down at him dumbly. "Come on down, fucker! 
We could use someone like you on our quest!" 

"Really?" The dildo asked. "Holy shit! Sweet!" 
And with that, he bounded down the pile of shit just 
as the footmen of the dead Dyke Queen of Carthage 
set it on fire and joined Lucifer Niggerbastard and the 
sack of burbling babyshit in the center of town. "My 
name is Rojir!" He grinned, extending a rubber hand. 
"Pleased to meet you!" 

"Yeah, same, fuckwit." Lucifer nodded quickly. 
"Listen, we gotta go. Can you show us to the place 



--46- 



where they keep the fucking boats?" 

"Yeah sure!" Rojir bounced on his little rubber 
balls. Lucifer swallowed; while they had been 
standing there, a pack of angry retards who had been 
suddenly deprived of their free nachos and pizza had 
gathered around them, beating their gimpy arms 
against fists, eager to pound some ass into the ground. 
"Holy shit!" Exclaimed the dildo. 

"Yeah, I got this." Lucifer grinned, and throwing 
off the leprechaun shit colored knitted blanket he'd 
been using as a cloak, he yanked the Ass-Fairy's 
magic wand and blasted the closest fucker in the chest 
with a load of hot buckshot. "Anyone else want to 
suck a load of what I've got! ?" He shouted. "Come on, 
Fuckers! Get some!" 

But none of the gympy retards were eager to die, 
so they all ran away like little bitches, clearing a path 
to the port where the only ship Neptune hadn't 
destroyed sat waiting to be commandeered. Like the 
Ass-Fairy's boat, this too had a giant magic dick in the 
bottom of it that had to be stroked to get the thing 
moving, and as the boat took off into the piss-yellow 
ocean, it got so hard that it almost popped the 
burbling sack of babyshit and the razor-bladed dildo 



--47- 



had to take over for him. Lucifer grinned, reached 
into the sack and smeared nacho cheese mixed with 
babyshit all over his face. 

"Holy shit I love life!" He yelled, then turned back. 
"Oh, and Rojir, welcome to the gay fucking fellowship 
of the Vagina Ass!" 



--48- 



CHAPTER 10: THE PRIEST OF THE DILDO 



STAFF 



The razor-bladed dildo was such a hot-shot pilot 
with the boat and so good with the magic dick in the 
bottom of it that the fucking thing shot all the way to 
Cumay like a nigger with a stolen television chasing 
a bucket of fried chicken inside of a watermelon. 
Within seconds, Carthage was gone, the memory of it 
like the aftertaste that hits you when you've sucked 
down a gallon of runny bear shit with a drain-cleaner 
chaser and suddenly you want to dance around like 
a faggot and wear ugly white peoples' skin for socks. 
In fact, the razor-bladed dildo was so good with the 
magic dick that the fucking boat skipped right off the 
piss-yellow ocean and crashed headfirst into the cunt- 
cave of wayward cum-sucking dick ribbons . Being the 
fucking hero and not a useless sack of babyshit or a 
retarded dildo covered in razor blades, Lucifer was 
the first to get to his feet again. 

"Hey niggers!" Lucifer stuck his head into the cave. 



„ 49 „ 



"Any bitch cunt motherfuckers up in this shitty ass 
retard cave?" 

"Shut your whore mouth, chink nip whop gook 
son of a mulatto!" A voice shouted back. "I'm trying 
to read the goddamned future in this gigantic faggot's 
shit!" 

"The future!?" Rojir clapped his gay little rubber 
balls together excitedly. "Holy fuck! What do you 
see!?" 

"Gayness." The voice replied. "President after 
president who isn't worth a fucking shit and. . . oh 
wait, wrong empire." He cleared his throat, made a 
gay-sounding falsetto whistle. "Lucifer 
Niggerbastard, you stupid worthless honkey 
motherfucker, I know what you have come seeking." 

"Yeah, Mercury said he called ahead." Lucifer 
nodded knowingly. "So what's the verdict, fuck ass?" 

"You've almost made it to the shithole where 
you're supposed to use the power of the vagina-ass to 
found a nation of Niggerbastards. Only one fucking 
gay ass little thing still stands in your way." 



--50- 



"And what the fuck would that be, buttmunch? 



"The Latin League." The Oracle poked his head out 
from around a corner, lit the end of his dildo staff and 
stepped into the cavern where Lucifer stood. "Long 
ago, when giant fucking shit-breathing lizards and 
angry disco-dancing white people and butt-burping 
rolling fatass beaners of the orient were tearing the 
shit out of this land and eating everything, a big 
fucking douche named Turnus showed up and single- 
handedly smashed them all into oblivion. But, since 
he realized being a douche all by himself wasn't as 
cool as being a douche with others, he roped these 
two bitches named Camilla and Alecto with promises 
of anal sex and now they all run around with 
superhero masks on calling themselves the Latin 
League." The Oracle sighed. "There's no way you're 
going to be able to give birth to a nation of 
Niggerbastards with those fuckers running around." 

"It's okay, I've got a magic wand that shits 
buckshot." Lucifer said, showing off the shotgun the 
Ass Fairy had given him. 

"Yeah, that'll do the trick, but you gotta catch the 
fuckers first." The Oracle nodded. 



--51- 



"My ears are wide fucking open on how to do that, 
you old bitch." Lucifer grinned. 

"In this land, there is a castle where a tremendous 
asshole named Latinus lives with his wife Latina and 
their daughter Latvia, who you're destined to fuck a 
bunch and maybe marry down the line if she doesn't 
turn out to be a barren bitch or a man with his cock all 
shoved up into his ass so he he looks like a girl." The 
Oracle turned and drew a perfect map of the earth 
complete with towns and touch-screen adjustability 
on the rock wall. "Just go to this fucking place and ask 
Latinus to help you. Here's a GPS in case you get lost. 
His wife's a bitch, but he's cool and his daughter is 
totally fuckable." 

"That's it?" Lucifer asked. 

"That's it." Said the Oracle. "Then you just fuck up 
Turnus, rape his whores and start pumping out that 
nation of Niggerbastards." 

"Sounds easy." Lucifer grinned, then blasted the 
Oracle in the face with a load of buckshot. "Thanks, 
asshole!" 



-52- 



CHAPTER 11: AT LEAST HIS DAUGHTER IS 



FUCKABLE 



"Knock knock, bitch! Open the fuck up!" Lucifer 
Niggerbastard pounded on the gate of the massive 
castle where Latinus kept his flock of crackwhores 
locked up like fuckable sheep. Yelling like a bitch 
with a giant carrot stuck ten feet up her rectum, 
Latina ran tight circles around the inside of the 
castle's giant cock-shaped tower until the king 
jammed a handgrenade in her mouth and pushed her 
off the tower onto a bed of steak knives that had been 
welded together and left on the ground for the local 
children to play with. 

"Holy shit I've been wanting to do that for a long 
fucking time." Latinus grinned, night cap sitting on 
the top of his shiny bald cock-like head like a giant 
squirt of liquid poo. The grenade went off, and Latina 
exploded like a cherry bomb in a diaper crammed to 
overloading with liquid grandpa shit. Bits of brown 
and yellow and red and mauve splattered 



--53- 



everywhere, and the king kept grinning even as a 
splotch of it hit his cheek and ran down the curve of 
his face into his mouth. "Hello fuckers!" He shouted. 
"What the shit is going on!" 

"The priest with the dildo staff who was the Oracle 
at Cumay told us to come here." Lucifer glanced at 
Rojir and the sack of babyshit. "He said you had a gay 
wife and a fuckable daughter." 

"My daughter is most definitely fuckable. I go 
there at least ten times a night. Her ass is tighter than 
a senator's wallet and twice as fat! And my wife, well. 
. ." He shrugged, laughed. "What wife?" 

"I fucking love this old bastard already." Lucifer 
said to the sack of babyshit. "Hey King Latinus, the 
Oracle also told us you could help us meet the Latin 
League so I could fill that worthless cracker-ass 
potato-sucker Turnus full of hot buckshot." 

"Turnus?" Latinus grinned back. "I don't give a 
shit about that old fag. My son Pallas is the only 
asshole gay enough in this castle to know where that 
dickless excuse for a pedofile hangs out." 

"Well send him the fuck down." Lucifer said. "The 



--54- 



prophesy says I've got to start making a fucking 
nation of Niggerbastards with this fucking vagina ass 
now that I'm in your gay fucking country." 

"Vagina-ass?" Latinus' grin faded. "You're the 
keeper of the vagina-ass?" He squinted. "Lucifer 
Niggerbastard!?" 

"That's me, bitch!" Lucifer grinned. 

"Holy shit sideways through a fuzzy tube!" 
Latinus rushed to the other side of his tower and 
yanked on a massive cock-shaped lever, raising the 
gate in one firm pull. "Get the fuck inside! Tonight 
you eat only the finest ass oysters freshly harvested 
from the sea of foreskin sauce and drink only the 
finest Ethiopian bathwater!" He gestured fiercely. "I 
want you to fuck the shit out of my kids too! Latvia is 
fucking hella tight, but Pallas could use a hotdog or 
two in his hallway too!" 

"Can I just fucking marry your gay ass, sir?" 
Lucifer yelled back as he walked through the gate. 
"You're the most fucking amazing king ever to live on 
the face of the whole shitting planet." 

"Nah, fucking shit's still illegal." He closed the 



--55- 



gate. "Besides, if you're fucking me, you're not 
fucking my kids. And I tend to shove grenades into 
my wives gay mouths. He wiped at the shit on his 
face, licked it off his finger. "Goddamn! Latina was a 
hot tasty bitch. She was my fifty-eighth wife!" 

"Holy shitting Christ!" Rojir yelled back. "You are 
the fucking man, Latinus!" 

"Shut the fuck up so this chapter can end and we 
can go kill that nigger Turnus!" Lucifer yelled. 

And then the chapter fucking ended. 



--56- 



CHAPTER 12: TURNUS SUCKS SHIT 



THROUGH A LITTLE TUBE FOR FUN 



The next morning, after fucking everything in sight 
and eating more ass oysters than a rich bitch could 
ever fucking afford to serve at her gay ass elbow- 
rubbing-with-faggots-party, Latinus bid the 
Fellowship of the Vagina-Ass a fond farewell, adding 
his son Pallas to their number. The young cocksucker 
was armed with his trusty Roman GPS, and as they all 
rolled out on brand new pink and sparkly scooters 
with knobby, babyshit green tires, he pointed at the 
horizon, announced: 

"Faggot-ho!" 

Over hills shaped like tits and dales shaped like 
vaginas they ran, scattering herds of faggotbeest 
roaming the fertile plains. Each mile brought them 
closer to the Latin League, and even before they saw 
the first signs of Turnus and his two bitches, they 
caught the smell of burning baby diapers and 

--57- 



nipplecheese prolapse gas. "The Latin League!" Pallas 
yelled from under his shit-frosted, ass-shaped 
goggles. "Holy fuck we're close!" 

"Good!" Lucifer Niggerbastard shouted back, 
pulling the Ass Fairy's magic wand out and slinging 
it across the handlebars of his pink and sparkly 
scooter. "Lets fuck this townie mudder hopscotch 
penis wannabe so fucking hard his ass will prolapse 
out his face!" 

"Hell yeah, Niggerbastard!" The sack of babyshit 
burbled. 

"Lets do this, bitches!" Rojir screamed, peeling out 
in the shit-colored mud and rocketing off toward the 
spot where Pallas had pointed. 

But when the four intrepid fuckers of the 
Fellowship of the Vagina-Ass crested the last hill 
between themselves and the Latin League, they 
quickly found that Turnus, having been the only 
person in the entire shitting world who had read the 
prophesy day and night and committed the whole 
damn thing to memory, had set a trap for them. 

"La-Tin-League, roll out!" Turnus shouted, ripping 



--58- 



off his pants as he ran out to meet the fellowship, the 
surface of his diamond-plated, prehensile carbide- 
reinforced cock blinding them as it caught the light. 
On either side of him, Alecto and Camilla pulled hard 
on ropes of braided asshair, and as the ground 
exploded in a furry of mud and shit, a wall of floppy 
dicknipples sprung up in front of the fellowship and 
became suddenly erect, squirting wads of chunky, 
semi-liquid shit in a phalanx that came too sudden for 
any ordinary man to avoid. 

But Lucifer Niggerbastard was no ordinary man, 
he was the keeper of the vagina-ass, man destined to 
give birth to an entire nation of Jupiter worshipping 
Niggerbastards! Leaping straight into the air and 
doing a somersault, he grabbed the sack of babyshit 
with one hand, caught Rojir's little rubber balls with 
the other, and used his floppy cock to catch Pallas by 
the mouth, flinging the three of them over the wall of 
shitting nippledicks and catching the Ass Fairy's 
magic wand as he let them go. 

"FUCK ME! FUCK ME! SHIT ON ME!" Turnus 
yelled as the scooters exploded against the nippledick 
wall and the Fellowship of the Vagina-Ass landed 
safe and sound on the other side. Alecto and Camilla 
rushed to Turnus' side, doing gay little dances with 



-59- 



sausages on chains of braided ass hair as Lucifer got 
to his feet, pointed his shotgun at the Latin League. 

"So, bitches, we meet at last." Turnus flashed his 
sweet golden grill, complete with missing teeth. "I've 
been waiting for this day for a long time." 

"Me too." Lucifer shot back. "Well, not really. I 
only found out about you yesterday, but I'm still 
going to fuck your ass up." 

"Bring it, bitchesssssssssss" Turnus hissed, and 
with that he rushed the Fellowship, Alecto and 
Camilla quickly falling into crouches, screaming gay, 
piercing, undulating battlecries that seemed to bend 
the very fabric of reality in fucking epic ways. Not 
wasting any time, Lucifer slung a load of hot buckshot 
at the crazy fucker, but the master of the Latin League 
was too fast and deflected the entire thing with the 
diamond plating of his prehensile cock. Grinning 
from ear to ear, Turnus yelled: "Alecto! Vomit 
Cannon Go!" 

Tearing open her mouth, Alecto dropped to hands 
and knees and opened herself to the elemental plane 
of explosive vomit and summoned a tide of burning 
fucking regurgitated death that sprayed toward the 



--60- 



Fellowship. Beside her, Camilla yelled "I cast magic 
dildo!" and threw out her hands, summoning a fifty- 
foot sparkly, shit-covered, wheeled, razor-b laded, cat- 
raping, gymped, shaved, piss pimple spewing, Elvis- 
impersonating dildo and flinging it toward Lucifer 
Niggerbastard at hypersonic speed. 

"Jesus Christ!" Pallas screamed, tackling Lucifer 
Niggerbastard just in time to save his life. On either 
side of them, the sack of babyshit darted left and Rojir 
darted right, both readying their own weapons for the 
fight. 

"Babyshit!" Lucifer yelled. "You take Alecto! Rojir! 
fuck that bitch Camilla in her fat, dildo-summoning 
ass!" 

"Aye aye, fucker!" They yelled back, and not 
waiting for any fucking thing, they rushed their 
targets, the sack of babyshit summoning his own 
magic dildos and Rojir rolling as fast as he could on 
his tiny rubber balls, screaming his battle cry of "I 
FUCK YOU UP! I FUCK YOU UP!" Turnus didn't 
even flinch as his bitches were forced to do hand to 
hand combat with the dildo and the sack of babyshit, 
but instead focused his prehensile cock on Lucifer and 
the prince, grinning as he jumped into the air, 



--61- 



sunlight glinting off the diamond-plated head of his 
carbide-reinforced penis. 

"I got this, Niggerbastard!" Pallas yelled, and 
sprinting straight up into the air like an epic 
motherfucker, he threw his GPS at Turnus and 
clocked the fucker right in the face. But that wasn't 
enough to even slow the asshole down, and as he 
grinned his toothless grill grin at the prince, he spun 
around on the axis of his cock and caught Pallas 
around his gay pencil neck, jamming his killer dick 
into Pallas' undefended ass and killing the fucker 
instantly. Lucifer shouted, suddenly so angry that he 
bodyslammed Turnus like a profiling cop and carried 
him back to the dirt like a bitch. But Turnus' most 
dangerous weapon was his diamond-plated 
prehensile carbide-reinforced cock, and even as 
Lucifer pinned him down, he tried to stab the master 
of the vagina ass, his dick like a heat-seeking faggot 
missile. 

"FUCK YOU, TURNUS!" Lucifer shouted, 
slamming the fucker's head against a rock. "FUCK 
YOU IN YOUR GAY WORTHLESS FAGGOT SHIT 
EATING GREASEB ALL GRINGO WHOP TARBABY 
GOOK FLIP NIP JERRY CHINK RUSKIE BEANER 
NIGGER GOYIM KRAUT HONKEY CRACKER 



--62- 



WETBACK SQUAW BOHUNK POLACK GWAILO 
CHINAMEN CHRISTKILLER HALF-CASTE CHOLO 
SPOOK KYKE COON- ASS LIMEY RAGHEAD DINK 
NIG-NOG ASSKIMO HUN WIGGER FRITZ FROG 
SPICK JUNGLEBUNNY MUNTER PORCHMONKEY 
ROUNDEYE WHITEY ZIPPERHEAD 
MOTHERFUCKER ASS!" 

"Haha, I killed Pallas!' 7 Turnus grinned. "Who's 
the bitch now? Who's the bitch?" 

"Fuck you!" Lucifer shouted, and throwing the 
master of the Latin League down so hard he cracked 
the fucking Earth beneath the fucker, he jumped to his 
feet and jammed the Ass Fairy's magic wand into 
Turnus' face. "Eat lead, fucker!" 

"Wait!" Turnus yelled. "Let me live! I won't be a 
bitch anymore!" 

"Fuck you." Lucifer spat back. "You killed Pallas, 
and he was the best fuck I ever had." His finger 
tightened across the magic wand's trigger. "See you 
in hades, fuckwit!" 

But when he pulled the trigger, nothing happened. 
In the moment, both fuckers froze. Lucifer pulled the 



-63- 



trigger again, and then the Ass Fairy's words came 
back to him all at once. 

Use my magic wand wisely! Griswalda had warned. 
It can only work so many fucking times before it blows all 
up and shit. 

But the realization came too late, and Lucifer's gay 
little reverie only served to distract him. In an instant, 
Turnus was back on his feet and, jamming his huge 
prehensile cock into the chest of the keeper of the 
vagina-ass, he ripped out the fucker's heart and ate it 
whole. In another instant, Lucifer Niggerbastard was 
dead, and both Alecto and Camilla made quick work 
of Rojir and the sack of burbling babyshit, spreading 
their guts across the plain like faggoty shit-paint. 

From his castle of shit high atop mount Olympus, 
Jupiter shat himself, facepalmed, and yelled: 

"FUCK ME IN THE GOAT ASS!" 



--64- 



Seriously though, if you're offended, you're not 
reading close enough. :) 



--65- 



-66- 



--67-